A Mess Worth Making
Nov. 9 2007
Church is messy. People get angry. Conflicts erupt. Your fake smile starts to wear thin.
But God created us for the church and created us for relationships. So as part of our series on the church we want to point you to some resources on living in the local church. Think of them as “Surviving and Thriving in Your Local Church 101”.
One book that’s been especially helpful to us as we talk about relationships in the church has been Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp. We could just tell you about it but…to help you see how it’s impacting our lives we thought overhearing a conversation would be more fun. Ricky Alcantar, our editor, and Connie Jimenez, or our creative director. discuss the book.
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Ricky: Okay, if someone asked you, what would you tell them this book is about? “Relationships” can be such a broad topic to think about…
Connie: I really like this book because it tackles the heart issues involved in relationships. It starts with a kind of theology of relationships - how God designed them and that God himself is social. My roommates and I are reading through the book together and discussing it at our weekly dinners. It’s been great. When we discussed the part about being made for relationships in chapter 2 and then later that God is communal in the Trinity in chapter 3 - there was almost a sense of relief among us.
R: Really? Why?
C: Because if relationships reflect God’s character and are a part of his design, there are so many implications. It means that valuing relationships is a good thing. It means needing relationships is a reality, not just some emotional response. One of my roommates mentioned the relief in realizing that it’s not “weak” to show your need for others.
R: So how did the material help? Did you find that your perspective changed?
C: I like how honest the authors are about humans being made for relationships and I like how realistic the book is about relationships being messy. And then the bigger doozy: that relationships are one of the primary means God uses to sanctify us. Page 12 says, “What happens in relationships is that our hearts are revealed, our weaknesses are exposed, and we start coming to the end of ourselves...Weak and needy people finding their hope in Christ’s grace are what mark a mature relationship.”
Then Tripp and Lane say (and I’m paraphrasing) if all the messiness revealed discourages you, and if this kind of frankness about the hard work it takes scares you, then turn to the gospel which provides the basis for our reconciliation. They then explain how the gospel functions in broken human relationships.
R: That’s extremely helpful. Sometimes I forget that there is a divine purpose behind our relationships. We didn’t just stumble into relationships accidentally...God designed them! Every time someone in my small group sins against me or every time I sin against my family I’m tempted to want to give up on the whole relationship thing. But God has a purpose and plan for all these relationships.
The authors say later, “Only when human beings live in community do we fully reflect the likeness of God.” That’s an amazing statement. More specifically when we’re in community we reflect God’s perfect community in the trinity. Amazing. I think that’s pretty relevant in our culture. It seems like it’s our tendency to become more and more isolated. We’d rather see a movie than talk to someone. We’d rather talk to someone online than in person. And it stems for a selfish desire to have relationships “meet our needs” when in God’s divine plan they’re meant for so much more.
So what has been your favorite chapter so far?
C: Well the one that really kicked me in the gut was chapter 6 “Worship.” It’s largely about Identity--and by identity I mean “The way you define yourself.” I might say, “I’m a teacher, an artist, with such-and-such on my resume and this circle of friends.” Basically the chapter says that “the identity I assign myself will always affect the way I respond” to others. So either I get my identity vertically, out of my sense of who God is and who he made me in Christ, or I will seek to get my identity horizontally, out of circumstances, relationships, and successes. My disappointment in relationships can come when I’m trying to get some part of my identity from a person instead of from what Christ has already said about me. I can expect too much out of a human relationship if I’m attempting to find my identity based on a person’s response to me. So good things like affection and respect can be twisted into selfish pursuits if I seek to base my identity on them.
R: Yeah, this happened to me recently with my girlfriend. I realized one week that I was starting to get disappointed and frustrated in my relationship with her. I couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t like she was acting any different than she had before. But I started to notice this kind of selfishness kept creeping up in my relationship with her and even resulted in me judging her when her responses didn’t meet my expectations.
When I finally stopped and prayed about it, I realized that I was having a hard week (lots of school, work, etc) and I was trying to find my identity in the way she responded to me. I wanted to feel secured by her. I wanted her to make me happy, in a sense. Lane and Tripp write, “No human being was ever meant to be the source of personal joy and contentment for someone else” (59). So in my situation it was a joy to see where I had gone wrong, ask for her forgiveness, and run to Christ. Only in Christ do I find my real and complete identity. Human relationships are a gift, and a great gift, but they can’t take the place of my relationship with Christ.
C: Yep, that chapter is helpful. The short version is something like this: how we view God and his character affects how we treat others. First, worshipping God as Creator affects how I view others. To complain about my friend’s personality or about them being “wired” or different than me is a complaint against God, the perfect Creator. Second, worshipping God as Savior means remembering that my friends are in the middle of the process of sanctification I am.
R: This book is great at helping you examine your heart. Truth applied to real life. That’s why I love this book.
C: Like I said - it basically kicked me in the gut.
R: Can I share one part that kicked me in the gut? I found one statement from the chapter “Forgiveness” particularly helpful and challenging: “When we choose to practice true forgiveness, the relationship is not just brought back to where it was before the offense, it actually moves farther down the road to maturity.”
That’s so helpful to me because even when I think I’ve “forgiven” someone I can think of that relationship as “damaged.” I can think that our relationship will never be the same after their offense. But this book helped me to see something radically different: my relationship can be even better than it was before. That has helped me personally because as I’ve begun to seen sin and forgiveness not as times to back away from a friend but a time to press in closer to them.
C: Relationships should function with the gospel in view--at that humble place of needing God and needing others. It’s not always a comfortable place - not when my pride shows up--but it’s a much more satisfying place to live.
R: So true.
C: I have a choice. I could chase after a bunch of selfish ideas about making my relationships about me or just avoid the pain altogether - both resulting in misery. But I’d rather choose to live in community with others with the gospel in sight.
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Get the book Relationships: A Mess Worth Making by Tim Lane and Paul Tripp at the CCEF store here.