An idiot’s guide to correction
Feb. 24 2007
This is the situation: Your friend seems angry.
You wonder if they’re really angry or if you’re misreading them.
Should you say something to them? You have that internal dialogue of “No, it’s not a big deal.” “Maybe I’m just judging them.” “I feel like I should really say something.”
In these moments, what do you do? How do you share something that could be corrective? And how do you do it graciously?
Just so we’re on the same page, in a previous post we defined correction like this. Correction is when someone shares a thought or question related to a statement, action, or attitude that was potentially sinful, unhelpful or unwise.
Galatians 6:1-2 says “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”
I love these verses. Your friend is caught. You have the ability to help. When you do help, do it gently. You are helping to restore them to a vibrant walk with God. And watch out, don’t get proud as though you do not have the potential to sin in similar ways—watch yourself that you don’t get tempted as well.
Then there is a great command: Carry each others burdens. We have a command from God to carry each others burdens. Which means, at times, that we bear burdens by sharing correction.
How do we do this? If a friend is caught in a sin, we do everything we can to gently restore. In other words, we gently correct. Did you know you signed up for this when you were called by Christ? Jesus has enlisted you in taking care of his people. You really are your brothers’ and sisters’ keeper. You should be correcting your friends and carrying their burdens. It’s grace to them.
So how do you gently correct? Well, I can’t say that I am an expert in this—I have made plenty of mistakes. I have learned a lot about what not to do. I have also picked up how to correct from wiser and godlier men like C.J. Mahaney, Kenneth Maresco (who has been my mentor for many years) and Bob Kauflin (who leads worship at my church).
This is some of what I have learned. If you see something you think you should share with a friend that is corrective, start by asking your own heart some questions. You may not be objective in this especially when something has been done against you personally.
These are some questions I have found helpful:
1. Am I sharing my thought with them because I am personally offended or personally irritated?
2. Am I sharing my thought with them out of self-righteous judgment? This is especially applicable to issues of preference and issues of conscience.
3. Am I sharing my thought out of impatience because I am tired of the way it affects me or others?
4. Am I coming with conclusions or questions? (Read Chapter 10 of Charity and its Fruits by Jonathan Edwards if you want to read more about this.)
If you find sin in your own heart as you answer these questions, then repent before you share any corrective thought.
[One side note: Don’t believe the lie that if you’re sinning in your heart you’re disqualified from sharing what you have to say. If you waited until you were not self-righteous, impatient, or personally offended by the other person’s sin before you correct them you’d be waiting a long time.]
Here are other questions to ask: Is the issue a pattern? And how well do you know the person?
I think it’s a general point of wisdom that we should share thoughts with people if the issue is a pattern, not just a one time thing. Now, this could be different if you are very close friends and there is a level of trust in the relationship that can handle it. I know that there are a few friends I have who I have enlisted to help me battle my sins and I have told them very clearly, “I want you to share all your thoughts about me and my marriage and my parenting.” I don’t want them to wait for patterns. But I have a deep relationship with these men and they know me, my sin patterns, and the idols of my heart very well.
Another issue of wisdom is to be careful sharing thoughts with people you don’t know. If you don’t have a friendship with the person, then it is probably not wise to share corrective thoughts with them. Trust God that they have people in their life to help them. However, when you become a member of a local church, you are committing your life to caring for and encouraging that community of believers. This means that there may be times when God calls you to correct somebody you don’t know very well. I think these instances may arise if the person’s sin is very pronounced and public.
It is so important to remind yourself of your role and God’s role before you share any corrective thought. You are not the Holy Spirit and you cannot bring conviction. That is the Holy Spirit’s role. Your role is to share something with a friend that they may not be aware of. Your role is not to convince the person of your perspective. Your role is to share your perspective, ask some questions and then follow up later after the person is able to think and pray about it. Don’t think that you have to spend hours in conversation trying to prove your perspective to the person. Just share and follow up later.
If you are sharing with a person and it’s pretty obvious that they don’t like what you are saying, it may be good to ask if the person is tempted. If they are, then pick up the conversation at another time. Be patient. And don’t share thoughts and correction in the midst of conflict. That never ends well and usually the makes the conflict worse. Share your thoughts later (especially if you are married and in a conflict with your spouse). Save it for later.
Okay, so after you have done the heart work we talked about, how do you initiate a corrective conversation with a friend? Pretty simple.
The best place to begin is to ask a question. Say something like, “Hey can I ask you a question?” Or “Hey can I share a thought with you from the last time we met?”
I know sometimes people can say something like “Can I share an observation with you?” I think this is fine to but sometimes I know that can really tempt people because it sounds like you’re coming with conclusions instead of questions. I’m not saying it’s wrong, it’s not. It all depends on how you say it and who you say it to.
Language is not a huge deal but I think you want to use language that communicates that you genuinely have questions—not that you’re coming with conclusions. This really serves the person you are talking to and I think it alleviates temptation. Remember you are serving them. So do whatever it takes to serve them.
Sometimes, in the conversation, it helps to check-in and ask, “Is anything I’m asking or saying ringing true at all?” If they say yes, then go down that road with them a bit. Don’t have an agenda in the conversation. In other words, don’t get into it thinking, “I got prove to them that what they said was selfish.” You most likely don’t know what the issue of the heart is. You need to discover it together and then help them with it.
After you have initiated the time, make sure you ask tons of questions instead of monologuing for 20 minutes about their sin. They need your questions. At the end of the conversation thank them for listening. That is grace in their life. And then if you have time just ask them if they were tempted in anyway by the conversation. Ask them if they were tempted by any words you used or any tone or body language. Tone and body language are very important. They can communicate something that you do not intend.
Especially your face.
Finally, ask them if they would like you to follow up. If they say no, then respect what they say. (And if they say yes, remember to follow up.)
I hope this helps. I have made tons of mistakes in this, but the more I try to care for my brothers and sisters and bear their burdens the more I am convinced that this is good, needed, and God glorifying. Your local churches will become stronger as you bear each others burdens.