Conflict Survival 101
Dec. 13 2007
I call it “the sanctifier.” Really, it’s just a chair. But to my 2 young sons it is the chair.
My boys are 1 and 3 and we own one kid-size leather easy chair that grandma bought. Can you see the problem here? Two kids, one favorite chair. It is not an uncommon sight to see both boys joyfully taking turns—one sitting happily in the chair while the other one looks on with anticipation. What inevitably happens though, is that one boy will sit in the chair a little longer than the other thinks is fair or reasonable. So, the “offending” chair sitter will either get sit upon or unceremoniously thrown from the chair. Tears, crying, and anger follow close behind.
What can we learn from this oft-repeated scenario in my home? Very simple…conflict is inevitable. Not just for a 3 year old but for all of us. How can I say this so categorically? Because God’s Word tells us so! James 4:1-2 tells us: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight & quarrel” (ESV).
In a message on this verse titled “Craving & Conflicts” C.J. Mahaney poses a helpful question for us to consider given the inevitable reality of conflicts in our lives:
“Are you prepared for conflict?”
As a pastor I see the need for preparation for the reality of conflict in my life and of those I serve. I see the need for an understanding of why we have conflicts with others and how to resolve conflicts with others. Consider the following situations:
_Sally’s friend is asking Sally about her lack of involvement in her small group when Sally raises her voice in anger and says to her friend, “I feel like you’re attacking me!”
_Ron is a man who loves to care for and encourage others. Recently he learned that one friend was struggling with his attempts to care for her. She attempted to share this with him and that she was now uncomfortable being around him alone. His response to her observations was, “I’m just trying to care for you as a friend.”
_I was busy attempting to get my kids dressed for a wedding while my wife got ready in the bathroom. In the middle of wrestling my older son into his clothes I looked up just in time to see my youngest son picking up my laptop off the desk and throwing it to the ground. I immediately responded in anger and yelled to my wife, “Kelly, I need your help now!”
What can we do in those situations to respond in a god-glorifying way?
Admit You’re Having a Conflict
The first step to resolving a conflict is to admit you’re having one! Be aware that excuses abound in conflicts where emotions are high and the activity of our indwelling sin is influencing our actions.
Two ways I’ve found helpful in discerning if I am in a conflict:
1) Is this affecting, in any way, how I feel, think about, or act towards this person?
2) Do I find myself arguing (and probably winning) arguments in my head with this person?
Gain God’s Perspective
The second step to resolving conflict in a god-glorifying way is to humbly embrace God’s perspective on conflict. We must realize what’s at stake in our conflicts with others: words or thoughts that minimize the significance of our sin against God as we sin against others are simply unacceptable. Conflicts can breed division, bitterness, resentment, and even hatred. These are sins our Savior was crucified for. Our conflicts prevent us from loving those we are called to demonstrate forgiveness, patience, and mercy toward. We need to resist the temptation to brush conflict off and instead seek to see conflict the way God sees it.
Discern What Underlies Conflict
We also must do the hard work of discerning what underlies our conflicts. James tells us we have fights and quarrels because we want something. (Yep, it really is that simple!) The question I’ve found again and again that helps brings illumination from the Spirit, that encourages humility, and that more often than not brings an end to a conflict is this:
“What are you desiring?”
James tells us that we are desiring something. That’s just the way our hearts function. We want something. We desire a feeling, a response, or some kind of understanding from others. If we don’t get it…look out!
So, in the examples of conflict I mentioned earlier this simple question brought much clarity to those involved:
_Sally, after responding in anger to questions about her lack of involvement in her small group, she pondered this question and humbly realized that her friend was most certainly not attacking her. Sally discerned that she simply wanted out of this particular conversation because she was sensing conviction about her lack of pursuit of fellowship in her small group. Lashing out in anger was simply a way to turn the tables on her friend and thus end the conversation.
_Ron he realized he had become blind to how his actions were being received by others because the only motive that he was aware of was that he wanted to care for his friend. He wasn’t discerning that he would pursue this type of care at times in a selfish way (i.e. he sought to care for others in a way that he wanted to and that he enjoyed and found satisfaction in, regardless of what would actually help them).
_In my situation asking myself what I was desiring when I spoke in anger towards my wife helped me see that I was not-so-subtly blaming my wife for what my son did to my computer. I desired help in getting the kids ready…not necessarily a bad thing, right? But I also wanted my afternoon to be easier and without the stress of having to get two kids dressed. In essence, I didn’t want to be a servant. I wanted to serve myself. My desire led me to sin in anger when I was no longer getting what I wanted.
I would recommend that you take up this biblically informed question (“What are you desiring?”) in your future conflicts. Why is it so helpful? It focuses your attention on you, your desires, and how you may have contributed to the problem. This simple question will also put you on the path to resolving your conflicts in a biblical manner that honors God and serves others. Identifying sinful desires that have informed our interactions gives us the opportunity to humble ourselves before God and others. It gives us an opportunity to show humility that acknowledges our sin, takes responsibility for it, and appeals to God for mercy.
When we look to the gracious mercy found only at the cross and receive the forgiveness of our sins from our Savior ( 1John 1:9) we are able to truly see and remove the log that is in our eye (Matthew 7:1-5). In view of the cross our sin against our Holy God becomes grieving, and that helps us to humble ourselves before God and others in appropriate and specific ways. By God’s grace, resolving conflicts becomes an opportunity to watch how God restores relationships and preserves the unity of His people as we specifically confess our sin to God and others and receive forgiveness we do not deserve.
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Isaac Hydoski is a pastor in the ONE ministry for singles at Covenant Life Church. He is happy to report that his computer still works.