Faithful are the wounds of a friend
Jan. 25 2007
So we have been talking about correction this week. For those who didn’t catch the last post about correction, this is our functioning definition:
Correction is when someone shares a thought or question related to a statement, action, or attitude that was potentially sinful, unhelpful or unwise.
When was the last time a friend shared a thought with you that was corrective? A week? A month? A year? If it is more than a month, you need to get new friends--or consider how you can better open up your life and invite correction from your friends. Proverbs 27:5-6 says, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.” How can you tell if you have good friends? Well, according to Scripture, good friends are the ones who wound you. This is so contrary to our flesh. We want friends that make much of us and tell us how great we are. We love to have worshippers at the altar of me. The altar of me is a great place to live. A place where I make no mistakes, a place where I am always right, a place where I direct what is right and hip and cool. I like the altar of me. Don’t you?
But here’s the deal. Whose opinion are you going to live by? Your own? Or God’s? If it’s God’s, then he is pretty clear about being surrounded by those who have the love
and faith enough to risk telling you what is wrong in your life. It is a wound because it hurts for a moment. But it’s worth the hurt to your pride.
I want to offer a couple suggestions to you on how to receive a corrective thought from another person. These are cheap seat thoughts from me based on my mistakes in the past. I have been corrected a lot (glory to God), and by God’s grace I think I have learned a little about how to receive correction.
I don’t know what the deal is, but any time a friend or acquaintance asks me if they can talk to me for 5 minutes I immediately think, “Oh great, what did I do? How am I going to be corrected?” I start feeling like the high schooler going to the principal’s office. And believe me, I know how that feels. I went to the principal’s office a lot…
But I have learned that the place to start is not freaking out but talking to myself. Folks, you have talk to yourself, just do it quietly. (Actually, I guess nowadays, if you are talking to yourself, people will assume you have one of those dorky in ear phones. If you have one of those phones, throw it away. It looks dumb. Sorry, that was for free.)
So talk to yourself:
_Tell yourself the promises of Scripture.
_Remind yourself what Scripture says about correction and true friendship.
_Remind yourself that this is one of the ways God uses to help you draw closer to him and enjoy him.
_Then pray. Ask God to help you humbly receive the thoughts from your friend.
_Then remind yourself of the love and grace Christ has given you through your
friend. Thank God for them. Thank God for the care they are giving. Do not go after their motives. That is called sinful judgment. Believe the best of them as they are talking. Remember how hard it is for you to share a thought of correction with a friend and how love guides you to do that.
_Then, as much as you can, prepare your heart for the conversation.
You can do this in 30 seconds.
And why do all of this? Well, we are proud, and we need the grace of God to receive correction. Scripture, prayer and meditation are a means of grace.
So what about the conversation itself?
First listen. Listen intently. God’s word says be quick to listen and slow to speak. So listen and make sure you understand what the person is saying. Resist the temptation to defend your position. That’s probably pride. And if you are proud in this moment, you could potentially lose out on grace from God. If you are not clear as to what the person is saying, do not hesitate to ask for clarification. Maybe say something like, “Thank you so much for caring enough to share this thought with me, but I am having difficulty understanding your perspective. Could you share an example of what you are talking about?”
Here is the point. See every corrective conversation as an opportunity to learn something about yourself, whether you agree or not. It is up to you to squeeze the opportunity dry of its teaching. Humbly ask a lot of questions. I don’t know how many times a person has shared a corrective thought with me that I thought was somewhat off; however, through asking questions, a sin issue has been revealed to me. Regardless of my initial impression, it has often turned out that the friend was right on target. Ask questions.
And if you think you’re clear on what the person is saying, sometimes it’s helpful to say something like this: “I think I got what you mean, but can I repeat it back to you and you tell me if this is what you are getting at.”
In all of this engage in the conversation and resist the temptation to just brush the thought off. No matter how small it is.
But in your attempt receive a thought of correction, don’t blindly receive the thought because you are afraid of being proud. In other words, if you disagree with the point the person is making, I think it’s integrity to share humbly your disagreement. But also be open to the fact that you could be very wrong in your perspective. Then start asking questions. So for example, if someone is sharing a thought and you think that you’ve heard them out but disagree, then say something like this: “I think I hear you on this and I am not seeing your perspective, but I want to hear more. Where else have you seen this take place?” or “Why would that concern you?” Again, squeeze the conversation dry of its teaching.
Sometimes you will leave wounded, but remember, faithful are the wounds of a friend. Folks, we need each other. With all of us together, there is a lot of sin to correct.
And let us never forget that in the end the greatest correction and criticism we have received is through the cross. The cross of Christ calls us sinners. There is nothing anybody can say that is worse than what the cross has demonstrated. That our sin is so awful in the sight of God that it took his son’s death to cleanse and forgive. Honestly, whatever correction we get from a friend I think we can safely say, “Oh friend, it’s far worse than you think. You only have seen the tip of the iceberg when it comes to my sin. I see far worse. And God sees more than I do. He sees all the sin I have ever committed. The great joy for us is that he sees it and he forgives it through the death of his son.” What great news.