Jesus Crashed My Pity-Party
Feb. 20 2008
I have a problem. I don’t expect you can relate since no one else does. But that’s the nature of it. See, my problem is this: no one feels sorry for me.
Strange, right? There are times in any given month, week or day when things just don’t work out the way I want. In fact, I find with distressing frequency that I don’t always get what I think I deserve. On top of that, other people seem to be insensitive or inexplicably unaware of my unfulfilled desires. That hurts.
But, lest you read this and feel obligated to help out by feeling sorry for me, let me assure you, I have already found solace in the safe haven of self-pity. It’s actually more like a dark cave filled with slimy things, stagnant water and old bones—but, hey, when my wants are not fulfilled I feel desperate.
Enough with the sarcasm. I think you get the picture and maybe you can even relate. If you’re anything like me, when things aren’t going the way you’ve planned you often give into the temptation to feel sorry for yourself more then we’d like to admit. The Bible—and the gospel—has a lot to say about self-pity. It’s important that we take a closer look at why we feel sorry for ourselves and how to break this sinful cycle.
Simply put, self-pity is sorrow or grief aroused by our own misfortune. It is an intense awareness of an actual or (often in my case) a perceived wrong for which we feel abandoned, unloved, alone and victimized. Now how do we make a connection to the gospel from here? That can be hard to do, but looking at the situation in light of the gospel, our self-pity has everything to do with God and the cross of Jesus Christ. At the cross, we see the most dramatic picture of God’s great love for us. While we were still sinners, Jesus became sin for us, took God’s wrath in our place and redeemed us for his glory (Rom 5:8; 2 Cor 5:21). We can’t earn it and we don’t deserve this mercy, and yet Christ died for us.
That is no small truth! It is the foundation of all our hope, joy and life. It is an anchor for us in the difficulties of life. In the cross, God dealt with our greatest need and so it follows that he will care for all our subsequent needs. This is the nature of our amazing God and his grace!
Self-pity is subversive to these truths. It turns our focus inward, ignoring God’s deepest demonstration of love for us. We may not be fully aware of it, but self-pity has assumptions and makes statements: that either God doesn’t care, he isn’t good or he isn’t able to do something we want. Rather than trusting in his character and accepting his loving rule in our lives, self-pity says, “I want to rule. I will treat myself better than this. I want to sit on the throne.” And we all know that whoever sits on the throne gets the glory. Self-pity is based in self-worship.
That may sound a bit melodramatic so let me give you a ridiculous example to show how self-pity is based in self-worship. I recently went to Home Depot to buy a filter for my heat pump. A single filter costs $4; a three pack, $8. Great deal! The only thing wrong was that the three packs were out of stock. Big deal right? Wait till next week. Not me. I was immediately angry. I wanted to talk to a manager! “This is an injustice!” I thought. I drove ten minutes to get here and this is how I am treated? I felt as if I was wronged. I was a victim. I felt dejected and sorry for myself. Home Depot failed to recognize me as king. It was pathetic and I was sinning.
Self-pity is the result of self-focus; the remedy is God-focus.
You may give me the benefit of the doubt and say, “We all have bad days and need to understand the frustration of being inconvenienced. You just have to lighten up a little.” Or you could be thinking, “Oh come on that’s not even real! You are a pastor feeling a little sorry for yourself at a hardware store but my world is falling apart!” One of the reasons I chose such a nothing situation is because I find it is in these little things that I get a clearer view of how my heart reacts to the real trials in life. I struggle with the same temptations to feel sorry for myself when I am facing a tough week because I have not managed my time well or when I am being accused of something and I think I am being misunderstood or misrepresented.
One of the dangers of self-pity is that we often pass it off as not being a big deal. We rationalize it. But the truth is, it is very serious. In his article called “The Poison of Self-Pity,” William Farley says,
“Often those trapped in self-pity can not see their sin or apply the message of the cross to themselves. That is because the foundation of self-pity is pride, and the nature of pride is blindness. It follows that those bound by self-pity will often be blind to both its presence and its underlying cause.” (The Journal of Biblical Counseling, Summer 2007).
There it is, can you follow the progression? The reason I so often fail to see self-pity is active in my life is that I become so focused on myself and my circumstances that I lose sight of God. Instead of seeing all things as under God’s kind and loving sovereignty, all I can see is that I am not getting what I want. God begins to fade from my field of vision. Self looms larger and my self-pity becomes a form of self-worship. My self-worship is rooted in my thinking so highly of myself, it’s rooted in pride.
Here’s what I mean: when we are proud, we think we see things clearly, but we actually can’t see at all. We complain, speak critically and assume our assessments are right. Gratitude evaporates from the self-pitying heart. Those immersed in self-pity do not have the ability to see God’s grace at work around them. Objectivity is gone and we are tossed on the seas of our subjective senses. We feel that we have been victimized and no one cares, not even God. The only person left to pity us is ourselves… and then our self-focus spirals in on itself, leaving us trapped under the weight of our sin, miserable, bitter and alone.
But we don’t have to stay there. The way out of self-pity is not to sit off to the side with our head in our hands, looking dejected until someone is manipulated into asking us what is wrong (and sadly, I’ve done that!). The way out of self-pity is to repent and turn our eyes to Jesus Christ. The way out is to counteract the lie that God does not care with Scripture about his character, his mercy, his nearness and his cross. He reminds us that we can cast all of our cares on him because he loves us (1 Peter 5:5-7), Jesus tells us that the Father cares for the birds and that we are worth more to him than a bird (Luke 12:22-34) and that is how we see God’s grace each day. And above all that he does to sustain us each day, the grace of God comes to us in the fact that through his own sacrifice he has transferred us from a domain of darkness and into the kingdom of the Son who forgives our sins! (Col 1:13-14) When he is our focus, it brings everything else into perspective. Our confidence in the cross where Jesus dealt with our greatest need is enough to give us hope in all situations.
While I used a simple example of where I can be tempted to self-pity, I know there are far more serious situations in life. You have a difficult roommate, your boss treats you unfairly, a dad gets back to you and tells you that you can not pursue a relationship with his daughter, you lose your job, you fail an exam, your car is totaled, you can’t pay the bills, a family member dies, you are diagnosed with cancer at twenty-seven. Life deals out serious situations, but the gospel of Jesus Christ grounds us. Even in pain and loss, we can find strength in our salvation. Hab 3:18-19 says:
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.”
In each situation, we face the choice of setting our eyes on ourselves or looking to Christ crucified. Self-pity is the result of self-focus; the remedy is God-focus.
So when we are tempted to complain, criticize, become bitter or feel sorry for ourselves, take heart. Go to the Scriptures and read of Job, David, Paul and Elijah. See how their plights pushed them toward God. Read articles such as “The Cross and Criticism” and William P. Farley’s excellent article, “The Poison of Self-Pity.”
The cave of self-pity is a dangerous, slippery place that is not a haven for our souls; but the cross helps us to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, to worship God and not ourselves, and to live in gratitude, love and joy as for the good things he has done for us!
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This article is part of our series The Gospel Applied where we’re seeking to apply the truth of the gospel to the details of life. Learn more about the series or find other articles from the series.
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