The Gospel and Relationships (for Guys)
Apr. 21 2008
Read Proverbs, read Josh’s books and pray a lot. Those are the first thoughts that came to my mind when I was asked to write this. What more do you need? That should get you through. Clean and simple, now go court or date or whatever you call it and have fun!
Sacrificial service is not just a product of being a ‘nice guy’. It's not motivated by sentimental chivalry. It's tied to the very fabric of our faith – Christ’s death for us.
But I want to take a brief look at the issue of dating from the particular angle of how our romantic relationships leading up to marriage can be and should be directed by our experience with God in the Gospel. More specifically, as you are having fun and enjoying getting to know a young woman that you are attracted to, are there any implications of Christ’s death on your behalf that can help you in the process of falling in love?
We all know that the bible never comes right out and says, “When you date, thou shall do it this way…” In fact, I think as guys, we sometimes use that to excuse our unwise decisions regarding dating. Of course there is no stone tablet that lists God’s do’s and don’ts for how a guy and girl are supposed to ‘do’ courtship, but if we are scripturally honest, we know that we can find principles in scripture that directly apply to relationships and that can we can helpfully apply to romantic relationships specifically. (And one qualification: The scriptures we’re looking at are about the gospel first and foremost. Here I’m seeking to look at their implications on this area.)
Let’s start with 1 John 3:16 — By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. This is a verse we are probably very familiar with, and there are times when its simplicity can cause me to miss how profound it is. In Christ’s sacrifice of his own blood on the cross to atone for our sin, we see complete confirmation of his love for us. From there John goes on to make a practical connection between Jesus’ love for us at the cross and the fact that this should cause us to act in a loving way toward others.
Christ laid down his life—this is the example we should follow in our relationships with others. Christ died to redeem us from sin—this is the source of grace that empowers us to follow his selfless example. Though the passage mentions “brothers,” the Greek word there translates as “siblings” and can refer to brothers or sisters in a given context. The point is obvious: if we are supposed to lay down our lives to serve others by nature of being Christians, then when we find ourselves romantically interested in a girl, the principle of “laying down our lives” must still be a directive for us.
So how do we know if we are doing that? Here are some things to think about in relating the gospel to romantic relationships.
Before the Relationship
Maybe you are at the beginning of the process. A girl at school, at work, or someone from church caught your eye.
OK, stay calm. Try not to look like an idiot.
Dry your palms on your jeans and take a deep breath.
Now, what does gospel-motivated, Christ-like service look like at this point? How can you lay down your life to serve her? If you’re committed to laying down your life for her you’ll serve her by making your actions clear and not confusing to her. Your level of friendship and conversational intimacy shouldn’t cause her to question your intentions or interest. 1 Timothy 5 calls you to treat her (and other ladies you spend time with) as a sister in all purity. By relating to all ladies at all times as sisters (rather than singling someone out before you have made your intentions clear), you will serve her by not being a source of confusion or temptation.
Recently, my friend Rick asked a young lady from his office out. He’d been getting to know her as they worked together and spent time with groups of friends. As their friendship grew, he was observing her biblical character (and yeah…how pretty she was), so he prayed and asked her into a courtship. When she accepted, she told him she’d had no real idea he liked her (though she was kind of hoping he did) because he seemed to treat all the ladies the same. He treated them as sisters, honored them, sought to serve them around the office, and was personable, but he didn’t single ladies out. It may not seem like a groundbreaking sacrifice, but his desire to serve really did benefit those around him.
A man who knows that Christ died for him and calls him to “lay down his life” for others is also willing to adjust his actions and temper his desires in order to serve other people. He is willing to back off if he becomes aware that he is a distraction or temptation to a lady.
And as we’re considering a relationship, we can trust God that he has our best interests in mind. His love for us is so great that he died and took God’s wrath in our place! Since we know he has dealt with our most dire need—the forgiveness of our sins—we can trust him when it comes to the “smaller matter” of a romantic relationship. He designed marriage as something for us to enjoy, and he can be trusted to demonstrate his love for us by bringing it all about in his timing.
During the Relationship
But let’s say you’ve already made your move and you are in a romantic relationship. Similar to 1 John 5, Philippians 2 connects Jesus’ act of laying down his life for us with our actions toward others. It goes on to say that we should then let Christ’s sacrifice on the cross motivate us to humbly count others “more significant than ourselves” and to not only “look after our own interests but also the interests of others.” When we are in a courtship, the bible calls us to maintain Christ-like service as one of our highest pursuits. It clearly establishes our motivation in the gospel. So as you grow in friendship, ask yourself how you can serve her. Look for ways to honor her and demonstrate your care for her. Lead by example in considering her interests above your own.
When it comes to communication, be willing to talk and to talk about the things she is thinking about. I find that even in my own marriage, I have to constantly be reminded of what Christ-like service and leadership look like in communication. The other night on a date I had to ask my wife’s forgiveness for not leading well and not spending enough time talking with her about the things on her heart. I’d been selfish and my selfishness resulted in her feeling uncared for. I recommitted to not let my own concerns and interests drive our interactions, but to count her more important than myself in our communication. Christ-like service means that I will listen to her, speak truth to her, and remind her of God’s constant provision and care for her, both in our lives practically and ultimately in the Gospel.
Looking at 1 Timothy 5 again, we see that the bible calls us to treat ladies as sisters in Christ for the purpose of purity—and this means even after they have become our girlfriends. Having a heart to serve also means taking seriously this call to purity—both for yourself and for your girlfriend. It will lead you to avoid compromising or tempting situations. If your heart is for her best interest, then you will protect her integrity and purity before God and in the eyes of others.
If you are currently engaging in sexual sin or things are too intimate physically, I would encourage you to repent and walk in purity for the glory of Christ. Talk to your pastor or another man in your church you can confess to and be accountable to. Christ-like service means being willing to lay down the selfish pursuits of physical intimacy before marriage and protect and honor your girlfriend. But thank God that it is in the gospel that you will find forgiveness for sin and strength to walk in purity for God’s glory.
The connections go on and on, but I trust you’re getting the point. In the midst of getting to know someone, becoming known, and possibly falling in love, gentlemen, you have a crucial responsibility to lead in selfless service. This service is not just a product of being a “nice guy.” It is not motivated by sentimental chivalry. It is tied to the very fabric of our faith—Christ’s death for us. In laying down his life on the cross, he became our Savior and our example.
So as you consider issues of dating and courting and relationships, I still encourage you to read Proverbs. Read Josh’s stuff. And pray that the Spirit of God would make Christ-like service a mark of your romantic relationship.
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